Morning Musings

It is another typical morning here at our house. Mr. A and Mr. B are my first risers along with the animal gang. This morning they must have been sleeping well or tired, as they gave me an extra hour of sleep. After getting them situated with drinks and a thirty min preschool show, I worked on getting the hubster up for his morning job. Took Lilly girl out for her morning walk and came home greeted by the rest of the (starving) animal residents. After I get everyone situated that is 15 minutes to think about the day. What is on my to do list? The usual chores, it is Wednesday so coupons come from the paper and I can plan my grocery list and meals for the next week.

Mr. D the Oldest of the boys probably won’t join the gang until later. He is a teen and during the summer I let him enjoy it and tell him to sleep. He won’t have much of that opportunity once life hits. Mr. T usually rises an hour after the first two. Once the youngest three rise the day is officially going with chatter, laughter, fighting, and life. Breakfast will most likely ensue soon, so I should be quick.

Three years ago I was the mom that did crafts everyday with her kids and worked a full-time job. It was not out of choice but necessity at the time. I worked long hours at a very physical job and I did enjoy it. I enjoyed the challenge of running a team of 30 people everyday and making a moderate paycheck. I was driving myself crazy trying to keep up with other moms out there. That on the surface were probably struggling in ways like me or not. I was over my limit of what I could do. My body was falling apart from the inside out and I felt like a monster, tired, agitated, and prior to my cycle suicidal. That is not a typical conversation I wanted to bring to the table. The longer it continued the more I hated who I was, the more I did not want to get out of bed every morning,  and the more I no longer wanted to be apart of life. Then there were good days where life was great, I had everything handled, the kids had their activities, and I was truly happy. Just a continuous cycle two weeks on and two weeks off. It is still like that but I now recognize what it is when it starts up again. Some months I handle myself well, some months I don’t. As I keep working to fix the broken things in my body I dream it will be better.

In a house of 10 creatures in beings you would think it was easy to not feel alone. Think again. It was until I came down with a really bad sinus infection and was in bed more than usual that I really noticed that the feeling was not just being alone, but feeling invisible. I would come out to dishes piled in the sink, the house a wreck, and rowdy boys. It is frustrating to think that no one else would do it because I was trying to feel better. Then I would spend the next week trying to pick up and be back in bed because I overdid it. I have known for years that the teamwork here will never be what I need it to be, yet it is the highest contributor in spiraling me down back in that well of dark depression. When I catch it before the spiral I can prevent a three month bought of loss of myself. The sad thing is while I know the course result, there is a part of me that just tells myself that if I were happier and on better working medication I would feel better about things. The lies I tell myself.

Some ways that I work through everything is to get lost in my crafts, like crochet. I rather enjoy getting into a project and probably have more than 20 going on currently. So many WIP (works in progress). It is my happy place and the colors of the yarn reach deep into those dark places I crawl into and coerce me out to the light again. I am my happiest when I am creating and sharing.

Lilly and the Gang are beginning to go into full speed so I must head off for now.

My crochet block #14 from the Moogly CAL 2017

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