I have always dealt with the blues. In my youth I could spend a day reading in bed and get up the next day and move on. Now it seems I just can’t reset. One day turns into two and before I know it a month has gone by and my life seems lost. I wish it would go away. I wish I could not feel sad, even more so because most days I have nothing to be sad about. I never know what will trigger it per say. Just one day enough is too much and I am spiraling down, becoming sad, guilty, angry, and lost. Then I start with apologizing for being sad, for being easily agitated, and for cave dwelling. It just cycles through and it has been this severe for about four years now.
Hard days are when I just loose it, I have a horrible temper, I am easily agitated by everything stimulating the world around me. Then the tears come for being such a monster and feeling like I let everyone down. Then the guilt starts when I look around me and see everything that I had great intentions of doing and just don’t. Like going to church. I love going to church, but it overwhelms me. I am afraid of being judged for not being perfect, I am afraid to let people in because I am more afraid of being let down or abandoned. Then I come up with silly excuses to keep myself safe and this is the worst because I need to be out there to stay floating on the surface and it allows me to handle myself differently and focus on my challenges.
It all started this last time with an onslaught of monetary surprises that put us behind. We easily caught up again, but it made me feel bad about myself. How could I still not have a nest egg and why couldn’t I be prepared enough? The truth is I had to create a system that would allow me to still function even through the depression. Create a strong budget that would run itself when I was not prepared to deal with anything. So far it is working.
Then the month passed me by and I have concerned people showing up at my door, per my prayers to my heavenly father. Because in those deep places I still pray to my God and he always listens to me (even if he doesn’t always answer the way I’d like). My insurance has been having technical issues and I have been without a therapist for too long. I have a number to a counselor that can help me and yet I am so afraid to pick up the phone; I know this person can help me. It is a new person though and I have to start all over and it is really hard for me to show my vulnerabilities the ones I can’t talk about with anyone. It is really hard for me to ask for help. I don’t want to burden anyone, I don’t want people to have to worry about me, I just don’t want the attention. I am most uncomfortable in the middle of a crowd of people who are looking at me. The only place where I am a totally different person is when I am the boss or leading and guiding a team, a much more confident person resides there. So, the question is how do I make that my whole being not just a piece of me?
On Sunday I purchased my new planner for the upcoming year. I have school aged children so my planner runs on the school calendar. I filled up my task list for Monday and prepped school holidays and marking periods for the 2017/2018 school year. Yesterday I finished my task list and I know I am a list person, but looking at my previous planner I could see when I was really bad. Weeks with no lists, cycles if you will and they all coincided with my cycle. Starting about two weeks leading to then like a switch there were lists again.
I feel so alone in my world most days. Like I am the only person in the whole world hurting like this. I know I am not. I know it will change. I just have to pick up that phone and make the call.
I managed to get all of my tasks done yesterday and had time to play with my yarn and while I have 20+ projects going on I wanted something quick. I made face scrubbers for a test run. Which made me face one of two mirrors in the house. The 6 X 6 inch mirror in the bathroom. (They are both in the bathroom). I used the face scrubby and looked at my face. I was impressed with how well my skin looked. I saw the tired eyes and the smile lines. I saw white streaks of hair. I saw the natural aging, but I saw someone I love and care about; myself. I brushed my hair and realized it was long enough to finally put in pigtail braids. It made me smile. Then I saw my eyes brighten and remembered what pretty eyes I have. Then before I could start telling myself ugly things I turned off the light and left loving the face I had just seen in the mirror.
Does anyone else struggle like this? I am tired of this cycle. I am tired of the sadness no one else can see or understand.