My mom had this awesome little book for my school years. It had a pocket that had a design on the front to add my current school year picture, my age, my hobbies, and who I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a Ballerina, Astronaut, Archaeologist, Paleontologist, Teacher, Marine Biologist, CEO, College Professor, and back to Teacher again.
I grew up with the freedom to dream of anything I wanted to be as long as I wanted to put in the effort for it. In high school, I wanted to be a Marine Biologist, I loved the study of marine life. Unfortunately not an easy field to get into and I was not sure about the sharks. I could never leave my family behind to explore the depths of space. I really hate the heat so any artifact digging was out of the question. Ballet ended for me at the age of 11. That left CEO, College Professor, and Teacher.
Enter in side thought:
Recently I collapsed in my home. I was cleaning and bent down to pick up my dust cloth off the ground and reached over my head to finish dusting my entertainment center. Down I went. Thankfully I taught Mr. T my 6 year old what to do in an emergency. I was taken to the hospital via ambulance and spent a night in the luxury of a hospital bed, the food was better than the last time I stayed. While I had a whole day to myself stuck in a bed that I was not allowed to get out of on my own; I had time to think.
I thought about my life, about the feelings and things I was running from, the things I didn’t want to deal with and my truth. My life has 4 kids in it which means it is chaotic the majority of the time. I have been depressed, sad, stuck, lost, hibernating, cave dwelling, hiding, and drowning. I was running away from happiness, my true strength, my courage, my children’s challenges, and myself as a whole. I didn’t want to deal with anything so that should cover everything.
Enter in memory:
Easter weekend 2017, I load up our vehicle and the kids and left for my parents. Just the boys and me and a 2 hour drive. I was so unhappy, empty, lonely, I missed my parents who had never been more than 35 minutes away from me. We went out to the beach that weekend and I walked along the sandy waters collecting seashells. My parents attending to my children allowed me a few quiet moments in my own thoughts. I prayed; I prayed to my Heavenly Father to open up my heart, to allow me to heal, to find away to help me get back to church, to help me find a way to feel less helpless about my life.
He of course answered and within the next week the Bishop and his wife showed up at my door. Divine. The messages at church were like my heavenly father hand picked them for me. I needed to hear those talks and messages.
Then illness struck our house and I found easier ways to not go to church, not feeling well, too tired, too sad, while winding up my anxiety again. I went to work in my garden and prayed to my Heavenly Father please help me overcome this anxiety, this needless and relentless pressure I place on myself. Please help me find the help I need for my health. I am always so tired, sad, and can’t lose weight even though the attempts to do so.
Lovingly he sent the Bishop again, who felt I was in need of help. I openly cried my lament to him in my front yard for the world to see. My Heavenly Father sent me compassion to ease my anxiety and help me gain some peace.
I had a conversation with my mom about speaking my truth. Somewhere over the past 7 years I became unable to speak my heart. I know where it happened through reflection, however, I needed the courage to be open with people and tell them my struggles. I prayed to my heavenly father to help me with the courage to speak my truth so that I may start finding the help I was needing.
Strategically he placed many people in my path over the week who spoke the words of my heart for me. They too had dealt with such trials and little by little I was speaking more of my heart. He sent me courage through sisterhood.
I was increasingly tired over that week, I was stressed over Mr. B’s Health and speech challenges and Mr. T’s struggles with letters and words. I felt small, overwhelmed, unhealthy, and growing exhaustion. I prayed for guidance and the path I needed to take to gain back my well being so that I could be healthier, less angry, and a less stressed mom for my kids.
I collapsed and went to the hospital last week and had blood work, and scans done that helped me have tools to go to Dr.’s with. My Heavenly Father allowed me to fall right into the direction I had asked him for.
Back on topic:
I have spent the past week praying about what I should do with my life and my career. My children will eventually be in preschool and higher. I have a Master’s Degree in Business Administration and I just feel like the path I was on for a business career was not full-filling me for my long-term goals. The first time I realized I loved helping children and kids learn, I was in High school. I would help younger kids with subjects that they were struggling in with school. Watching their confidence bolster as they began to have their own ah-ha moments filled me with such joy. I loved the feeling of serving these children, guiding them, and showing them their true worth.
When I look at anytime I have ever prayed about what I should be doing with my career, anything and anyone related to teaching popped up into my life. Today, I was encouraged by an educator to follow that passion. I said “I don’t have my degree in teaching,” “that is ok” she said. I told her I loved preparing my son’s kindergarten home-school year and working with him. I would prefer to teach children from 3rd grade to 5th grade, but I am certain whatever is planned for me by my Heavenly Father will be exactly what I need this time around.
So, here I am preparing to pay for certifications and to save money to get the 30 hours of teaching education I would need. The spark in my heart ignited, that cave moving further behind me. It was the first time in a long time I felt like that determined woman I used to be.
My business degree was perfect, at the time I needed it. That business degree helped to support my family. I had the ability to provide and did not have to worry about not having the credentials for the job.
What do you want to do when you grow up into each phase of your life?